Training Your Man Ape In Four Easy Steps
by Megaera80
Summary: River trains Jayne without his knowledge. Slightly AU-ish only because it mentions Jayne knowing about River's "gifts" before anyone else. No spoilers. One-shot. Kind of silly.


**1. The first step is getting him to notice you.**

_She never had any trouble with that. Jayne noticed the girl all the time. The problem was getting him to notice her without thoughts of him wrapping his mercenary hands around her neck and then squeezing until her eyes went dull dancing through his mind. It was a favorite thought of his. Was._

Jayne was sitting at the dining table when she danced into the room. He looked up at her briefly, took stock of her position relative to any knives and, satisfied, went back to oiling his gun. She walked around the table twice, watching him with her huge eyes, talking softly and giggling behind her hands. On her third circuit he put his gun down with a loud thud and sighed.

"What?" he asked.

River said nothing but giggled again, which was damned disconcerting, and plopped herself down in a chair. She leaned far back, her long neck arching, her curtain of hair flowing backwards and almost reaching the ground, and then she lifted one lithe leg and planted it on the table. With a slow, languorous movement, she arched her foot, lengthening her leg more (if that was even possible), causing her body to contort in a not altogether unpleasing manner. Jayne's hands gripped the edge of the table as he tried to maneuver his thoughts in a direction that wouldn't get him spaced. He tried to speak, but his voice sounded all funny, and he cleared his throat before he started again.

"What in the name of _tiān guo_ do you want?" he growled.

River lifted her head to look at him and, without taking her eyes off him, took the bottom of her skirt in one tiny hand and slowly raised it up until everything from the tips of her toes to her slim little thigh was revealed. He couldn't take his eyes off that area just above her knee. The creamy skin was perfect, not a blemish on it, and it looked supple. If he were to touch it….

"She fell," River said.

Jayne snapped back to reality and looked her in the eyes again.

"Who fell?"

River pointed to her knee where there was a raised red mark about the size and shape of a strawberry.

"She fell," River said again.

Jayne smirked and picked his gun back up, the smell of metal and oil comforting to him.

"Teaches ya not to run in the gorram ship now, don't it?

****

Later, she was running again. Hair streaming out behind her, Kaylee yelling somewhere behind, pure joy on her face and she tripped. Jayne was there and his strong arms wrapped around her like bands of steel and stilled her in mid-air. He put her back on her feet and walked away without looking back.

**2. Once your presence has been acknowledged, let him become accustomed to it.**

_Jayne was everywhere so it wasn't hard to be near him unless he was in his bunk, but the girl had discovered many different and interesting vantage points to view almost any area of Serenity. He had to know she was there though, and tolerate it. Therein was the rub._

"I don't see how this is a good idea," Jayne said.

Mal shook his head.

"Nor I," the Captain answered "But it's gonna have to be."

Everyone else was planetside. Somehow Jayne had drawn the short stick to stay with Serenity. There was no entertainment of his sort to be had on this bleak rock so it normally wouldn't be a problem, but the girl said she was sick and her _hun dan_ brother agreed so he was babysitting. Him. Babysitting. It was a gorram crime.

"What if she goes all crazy and I hafta put her down?" Jayne asked, a measure of hope creeping into his voice.  
Mal gave him a looked that brooked no argument and he knew he'd be meeting the airlock up close and personal should such a situation arise.

"Fine," he grunted and sat down.

The Captain said his goodbyes and no sooner had he left the ship than the little witch walked into the common area and sat down next to him. She didn't look sick in the least.

"Jayne is blacks," she said.

"I'm whats?"

"Blacks."

She pulled a box out from underneath her arm and opened it, revealing a chess set. Fancy, too. No doubt it was one of the relics of her shiny Core-bred life. She held up a white knight in front of her face.

"She is whites."

"Now listen here, little girl," he said, "I ain't got no ruttin' clue how to play that game."

River grabbed his hand and patted it.

"I'll instruct," she said simply and set up the board.

*****

Later, when the crew returned to Serenity, they were greeted with a most interesting sight: River and Jayne on the floor of the common room, a chess board between.

"Yer not winnin' again," Jayne said softly as he surveyed his pieces.

"Talk, talk, talk," River taunted, "Move your piece."

"Give me a gorram _minute_!"

Jayne moved a bishop and a triumphant smile lit up his face.

"Check," he said.

River sighed gustily, almost regretfully, and moved her queen.

"Checkmate," she said.

Jayne's eyes went wide as he looked at the board again. River leaned back smiling.

"She knew you were going to do that," she said.

Jayne looked up at her and gave her a dirty look.

"Of course you did."

From the doorway Simon made a small noise and put his hand up to his face, as if reassuring himself that this was all real.

"_This_ is what going mad feels like," he said softly to himself.

**3. Earn his trust.**

_Trust. An insoluble concept. Different meanings. Different manners to acquire. She is humped._

"We're humped," River said, summing up the situation accurately.

Once again, one of Mal's plans had gone wrong. Only this time, it was Jayne's fault. The rest of the crew had made it back to the ship and the client was none the wiser that he had been shortchanged. River bounced along somewhere behind him, happily taking in the sights of Persephone, and he stopped at a shop, seeing a chess set in the window. It wasn't as shiny as the one they had been using, but that was her brother's. He had a few credits with him, if he could get it without her weird, witchy little mind knowing, it could be a present. It could be hers. Theirs. It amused him how easily she had insinuated herself into his everyday doings. Also, it didn't amuse him at all.

It was then that the men had appeared out of the alley, and after that, it didn't take long for them to have him and River pinned down, their backs to the wall.

"Ya might be right at that, _bao bei_," he said. "We might be humped."

The tallest one was going on about how his boss didn't like to be cheated and he would be taking his pound of flesh. The smaller two grabbed River and Jayne realized just exactly what pound of flesh they were taking and that didn't sit right with him at all. He rushed towards the tall one, who pulled a gun out of nowhere and shot. A bad shot, but it still made contact. River's eyes went wide when she saw the blood blooming through the fabric of his shirt. He didn't know what hurt worse, the panic in her eyes or the fire in his shoulder. Then the panic in her eyes went away and he wasn't rightly sure what happened after that.

When the confusion was over, he and River were the only ones breathing in that alley and River held the tall man's gun in her little hand, looking all kinds of deadly. He was all kinds of proud.

She dropped the gun amidst the bodies and laced her small fingers in his, and damned if he didn't let her.

****

Later, he found it lying on top of his bunk. The white knight from her shiny chess set. He held it in his hands for a moment, his skin warming the cold stone, and then put it in a small cubbyhole. He tried to pretend he didn't understand the implication.

He failed.

**4. The next and, final, step is to get him to obey.**

_Trust was acquired against all odds Yes. Obedience? Humped._

"You wanna explain what yer doin' here?" Jayne asked.

River shook her head no, but stepped forward anyway. Jayne wiped the sleep from his eyes and replaced Liz back on her hook on the wall with all his other guns. He didn't like being surprised while he was sleeping.

"Well, yer gonna hafta cos I got no gorram clue what yer up to."

River walked silently across the room looking for the entire world like she was stalking prey, except for her eyes, which were wide and unsure and sat down next to him. She'd been like this ever since that little incident on Persephone. She tiptoed around him, but was always there mooning at him with her moon-brain eyes.  
Jayne sighed and turned to say something to her and River launched herself up, their lips meeting. Jayne pushed her back and held her at arm's length.

"Gorramit, girl, you've got yerself a crush. This ain't proper and you know it."

River wiggled her way into his lap and moved herself against him. His traitorous John Thomas did a small dance.

"She understands proper," she said, giving another little wiggle "But doesn't comprehend."

He rested his forehead against hers, looking her deep in the eyes.

"Well, this might be the one thing you don't get cos it ain't happenin'."

And then she did something he didn't expect. It told him she'd been watching things on the cortex she didn't have no right watching. One of those little hands (those hands that moved the chess pieces or fired a gun with equal deftness, one of _those_ little hands) moved down and cupped him through his pants. He drew in a ragged breath and shook his head.

"Checkmate," she said quietly, sounding very proud of herself and kissed him again. This time he let her.

****

Later, she was riding him, his cock deep inside her and damned if she wasn't the tightest, hottest little piece of trim he'd ever come across. Her head was thrown back and one of his strong hands had her hair wrapped in a knot around his fist. He pulled her head back farther and took one rosy pink nipple in his mouth. With a growl, he rolled them over and looked down at her. She had her bottom lip captured between her teeth and she moved her hips up against him. With a smile he moved inside her and she closed her eyes, lost in the passion.

_Training complete._


End file.
